Sometimes, I want to live in a alternate reality.
This is a difficult thought that always played around in my head, and I think its about time to get it out.
Wanting another life or alternate relaity doesn’t mean I don’t like or am thankful for mine. I’ve come the closest I can to loving my life with a loving family, food at the table, a roof overhead, an endless education, and technology. All these things I wouldn’t change at all. But it is what’s outside that door do I want different.
I try to not let myself think too deeply about what I want because like not being able to look in the mirror for too long I can be a bit selfless. But then again, isn’t selfish to want more? To not be thankful for what you have because it could be so much worse.
It’s not so much that I want more, its that I want to experience or live my life to the fullest. So what alternate reality do I dream of living?
I can’t help to wonder what it feels like to meet particular people, or take in certain places, or even feelings. For example, I wish one day that I would meet someone whom they would live for anything and everything. Sometimes I imagine myself as that person. I can only imagine what beaches around the world look like compared to mine, or what the pure city air smells like, how tall buildings look and how I would feel surrounded by them. To walk the rainforests of Brazil, or the streets at night in London, cross the bridges of beauty in Tokyo. I want to travel the world. See every single place. Even Idaho or Montana. I don’t want to see them to say I did it but to say I know what it feels like to be there, and everywhere.
I think of myself as a different person than I am now. I seem to define myself as a homebody, someone who never says the first word, the introverted and shy one. Yet I have these dreams of the exact opposite. I desire to be a different person, or more of the person I am. To go to concerts and be that one jumping recklessly with their hand’s in the air letting the music speak to them. I think of what it would feel like to perform in front of people with a big stage, lights, cool projections out into the crowd. I’d sing the songs my heart screams.
Then there are things I purely want to experience. What does it feel like to drink away your feelings or hold a cigarette between your fingers and teeth? To have a tattoo or stumbling your way home with the one to keep you safe. What does it feel like to drive down a empty highway with your lover and your hair and hand floating in the wind? To stand up out of the overhead window like Sam and feel like your flying. Feel like everything is infinite.
And then I wake up.
I’m the girl who holds her tongue, doesn’t go up to the boy she thinks is cute, says everything is too dangerous. I stay at home in my bedroom and write about my desires and experiences at the same time. I watch movies and envy the people brave enough to do something. I read because its almost like I can escape my life for awhile and live someone else’s. But when will I want to start living mine?
I keep saying ‘just wait till you get your license then you can live.’
‘just wait till you get friends then you’ll have fun’
‘just wait till your 18’
“I wouldn’t do something like that, that’s not something I would do.”
And then what? Everything will be perfect?
This is the one part in Papertowns by John Green I loved the most. Margo finds it ridiculous how Q is just living with himself, working towards one goal, and then that’s it.
This past year I made it my journey without realizing it to live more. Do more things I wouldn’t normally do. And I have been. Now that I’ve started I can’t stop. I’m travelling to my first overseas place this Summer and I couldn’t be more excited.
The moral to this, my friends, is stop waiting. You’re not waiting for friends or that license; you’re holding yourself back. So just let go and live. Because as long as you think one life is, its not that long. In the blink of an eye you’ll realize how much you’ve wasted. Don’t wait a single moment because there is an infinity out there. So instead of laying in bed watching movies or reading; google some museums, parks, or events going on near you! There so much delicious food you’ve yet to taste, beautiful dresses you’ve yet to wear, art you’ve yet to make and see, music you’ve yet to hear, and hands you’ve yet to hold.
I find it funny the most recent book I’ve read and actually I just finished it today was about living. Not becoming comfortable in one small town with no ambitions. In fact I wrote a review on it because it is so amazing, and I swear if this isn’t enough to motivate you to get out there, this book is.
So take some chances with me. Risk some things, yourself even. Challenge that feeling that pulls you back. It’s so incredibly hard to, it take a lot of strength. But its like they say, once you step out of that comfort zone everything is changed and you won’t go back. You won’t regret it.
Here are some quotes from Me Before You by Jojo Moyes ❤
You’re going to feel uncomfortable in your new world for a bit. It always does feel strange to be knocked out of your comfort zone. But I hope you feel a bit exhilarated too.
Push yourself. Don’t settle. Just live well. Just live.
You only get one life. It’s actually your duty to live it as fully as possible.
Songs that make me want to push myself
Find You by Zedd this is the song that would be playing with my hair and hand floating in the wind